Ladies and Gentlemen, esteemed fellow Americans, please allow me the honor of introducing our highly respected candidate. He has certainly changed my life and, hopefully, yours as well. Please give a warm welcome to Hot Dog, running for President in 2016!
Our beloved Hot Dog has been a household name throughout Americans’ lives, a crowd favorite of all ages. He is adored by children, respected by their parents, and lauded by our older generations. His influence can be found across the globe, and he truly touches the lives of everyone he meets.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Although Hot Dog had a fiery, grassroots start to his career, he acknowledges that in recent years his inner character has been called into question. Leaders of other parties have been known to call him “toxic,” and “flimsy,” questioning “what he’s made of” and asking “how we know what’s truly behind that lovable exterior?” They’ve accused him of inspiring gluttony and excess throughout America, for giving our country a collective stomach ache with his deception, and now, for being a “poor man’s alternative to more qualified candidates.”
Hot Dog does not shy away from these questions and concerns. Throughout all of this negativity, Hot Dog has stood strong and proud, saying, “While I cannot alter where I came from, I can certainly change where I’m heading!” He has rallied, taking the high road by fiercely supporting all types of Americans. He proudly and publicly explored his faith, making more devout choice by becoming kosher, made environmentalism part of his standard “packaging,” and even became the face of the vegetarian and vegan cause. He has encouraged us to make healthier, more informed choices. He has put his own industry under close scrutiny, forcing it to raise their standards to improve life for all Americans. As the United States have changed and progressed, he has changed and progressed with it.
So let’s rally behind what we know to be truly important, America: Hot Dog is an “everyman.” He is not merely a politician, he is an American icon. He is just as comfortable dressed to the nines as he is at a baseball game. He’s the type of man you would be proud to bring to family gatherings, to tailgates, to your child’s graduation. He has seen struggle, he has been through scrutiny, and he has evolved and changed throughout our lives. Most importantly, he has always been there when we truly need him.
A vote for Hot Dog is a vote for the future of the United States of America!