Monthly Archives: March 2016

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Do The Time Warp.

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Inexplicably, when I was a wee lil child, my dad decided to teach me how to do The Time Warp. For those of you who don’t know (shame on you), The Time Warp is a dance from the cult classic Rocky Horror Picture Show. This one-of-a-Kind movie musical features a sweet transvestite, a Frankenstein (of sorts…) and more sex jokes than you can count.

Just the perfect soundtrack for a 4 year old!

To be fair, he only ever let me listen to The Time Warp and I couldn’t understand what they were saying anyway. See below to understand fully.

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Time Warp Video Click Here

Naturally, it became my favorite pastime. We’d put on the record (yes, the vinyl record) and dance like the fools that we were (and still are.)

As I got older, we Time Warped less and less. All but stopped, even, until one night my junior year of high school. I was studying for an AP exam I was positive I was going to fail, sobbing into my notes out of frustration, exhaustion, and teenage melodrama. All of a sudden, from my second floor bedroom, I heard the faintest of tunes rocking up the stairs.

Could it be?

It got a little louder, that old favorite tune of mine. I couldn’t help but smile. I crept down the stairs as the volume got turned up further and further (it was LITERALLY shaking the house) and couldn’t help but laugh. I peered around the corner to see my amazing, ridiculous father doing The Time Warp with total abandon in the middle of our living room. Exam forgotten, we danced our hearts out, singing along at the top of our lungs, waking up the neighborhood and just generally looking like total loons. By the end I was out of breath and out of worries.

Today was a terrible day at work. I had people yelling and running around and putting pressure on me over the most absurd things (“go to CVS and get the CEO’s daughter sprinkles for her ice cream party!!!”…yeah. I’m serious.)

Feeling beaten down, I walked out of work with my head hung low and opened Spotify on my phone. I was looking for music that matched my downtrodden mood when what to mywondering eyes did appear but the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack.

I did it. I put The Time Warp on and strutted down the street, giddy from the memories this song summons and the sheer lack of care that inevitably comes along with it. I literally Time Warped back to good times and not caring about sprinkles or expense reports or interviews.

Find your Time Warp. Blast it right now, no matter where you are or how stupid you look doing it. I dare you.

 I bet you’ll feel like a new person afterwards.

Stirring the Pot…A Rising Tide Lifts All Ships

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10 PM Easter Sunday, I’m lying in bed with a book on my chest.  My mind about to punch out for the evening jars when the phone rings.

“Hello”

“Hhhhhhi Daddy”

“What’s the matter kid?”  I know when my daughter says the word “Hi” in just that way, that Mission Control has to come up to high alert; fast.

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“My Toilet is backed up and when I flush the water is coming right to the top of the bowl and I am scared it is going to overflow.”

And all I can think of is the old cliché, “A rising tide lifts all shits.”

Being as she is on the top floor walk up of her building and it is Sunday night, I can’t help but think how I might feel, were I her neighbor in the apartment below and knew a real nasty storm was a brewin’ above.

“You need to get a plunger, NOW.”

“What’s a plunger?”

Whilst never setting the phone down, she finds the plunger.  Plunger in hand and on the ready, I give her the three step plan for maximum impact with minimal splash.

As she is attempting to thread the gauntlet I hear sounds of howling laughter, utter horror, and  reflexive gagging.  After a minute or so of running commentary, it becomes clear she’s accomplishing little but stirring the pot.  I should have realized earlier that trying to plunge a toilet while talking with a phone to one’s ear increases drag and reduces the plunging coefficient by at least 50%.

In my calmest voice I say, “Kid, hang up the phone, use both hands, and txt. me after the deal goes down.  We hang up.

Problem solved within 30 seconds.

Upon receipt of the txt three things occurred to me

  1. Funny how the phone always seems to get in the way of getting things done.
  2. The greatest gifts a father can give to his children are, time, knowledge, and a sturdy plunger.
  3. For once I wasn’t the guy with the plunger.

God, thank you for your son, my children and for letting me be a dad.