Seems like every summer we catch a wave of jacked up comic books at our local theaters where, for about $60, two people can explode, chase, battle, scheme, swing, launch, fly, blast, swim their way through nearly 120 minutes of saturated popcorn and a bladder expanding soda. Heck, for $2.50 I practically get that riding the subway to work each day, plus, for no extra charge, it comes in odorama, which, thankfully is hard to duplicate on the big screen.
But what of these “super” heroes and villains? It’s got me to thinking…
A man who is a spider. Does he take all his meals through a straw?
A man who is a bat? Lazy bum sleeps all day.
A girl who is a bat? Seriously, how does one tell the difference? Boobs?
A man who is made of Iron. Now that’s just absurd. He’d be house bound like those with morbid eating disorders.
A man who is an ant. Wouldn’t think twice about stepping on him.
Captains Marvel, Universe, America, Planet, etc., etc., etc. Why just Captains? Why never promoted?
And what about the Doctor’s?
Dr. Strange. “Yes, I’d like to make appointment with my gynecologist…Dr. Strange.”
“I’m sorry, Dr. Octopus is unavailable. He’s in surgeries right now…”
“Yes, I need to get my Prozac refilled, could you please ask Dr. Doom to call that in for me?”
Dr. Manhattan. What, is his specialty, Mixology or something?
A man made of plastic. Perhaps he could be sent to do something about the Pacific Ocean’s Trash Vortex?
The Flash. Why am I seeing all of those black spots?
Robin. Poor fella.
A man who is Super. Popular on Pride Day no doubt.
Man of steel (see man made of Iron above).
Two-Face. Yep, knew him in high school.
A woman who is a Wonder. Now that is one I completely get.
Hey, as far as I am concerned, the only Caped Crusader I care about is:
Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please… Rinse, lather repeat.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. Good God. it’s Soul Brother #1, the Godfather of soul, Mr. Dynamite, Mr. Please, Please, Please. Jaaaaaaaaaaaaames Brown. Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames Brown. Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaames Brown. Superhero of Soul, Funk, Rock and Roll.