Heels? Did I Hear a Pig Squeal?

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My personal opinion on high heels will become immediately self evident as you read along, but suffice it to say when I put on heels, I would just as soon be a hog on its way to a Chicago slaughter house.  So here are the Pros and Cons of high heels.

Pros: absolutely none. Not a one. Here are a few classic lies that I’ve heard from pro-heel lady-friends before:

 “Oh they make you taller!”

Ummm, not a pro. I’m already 400 feet tall, and when I wear heels not only do I become awkwardly Amazonian, but I also have the privilege of looking like a baby giraffe learning to walk for the first time. Next.

“They make your legs look longer!”

….See above. Try again.

“They make you look hot!”

What does this even mean? Like all sweaty? Who decided this? Why can’t I look “hot” in my Chucks? Or my combat boots?! I want to find whoever decided this and give them some sort of unpleasant surprise. You ruined it for all of us. Next.

 “They make you look polished and professional!”

But why? Do women have to prove to their coworkers they take themselves and their jobs seriously by physically paining themselves?? Really? Making me wear heels to work is only proving to MY coworkers that I am a hopelessly awkward klutz they probably shouldn’t have hired in the first place. (Need we remember the notorious spilling-coffee-on-the-Frenchmen incident?) Next.

 “They’re so cute!”

Yeah home girl, so are puppies and little babies. That doesn’t mean we should wear them on our feet, although they would be more comfortable.

Cons: Everything, including but not limited to:

  •  Pinched, squished, blistery toes that often result in (dare I say it?!) ingrown toenails. Not ladylike. Not ladylike at all.
  •  That smell. That gross foot-in-a-heel smell. That CAN’T just be me. See “Hot” above.
  •  Inability to walk long distances with ease, rendering you useless and something akin to an old, hobbily man.
  • Inability to do any sort of physical activity, really. I mean no jumping rope. No light jog. No hurdle leaping, creek hopping, or boulder scrambling. So basically nothing fun.
  • Looking like a grown up. I mean who wants to do that? Blech.
  • Having to bring two pairs of shoes to work every day so that you can walk there without dying and then still look “professional and or hot” once you arrive. I mean what’s that all about? Just foolishness, really. Plain and simple.

What do you think? Am I the odd girl out for feeling this way? If you can find a legitimate pro for high heels, I will redact my previous statements. Until then, I’m a heel-hater for life.

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