When I moved into my house a long time ago, my next door neighbor had two outdoor cats who enjoyed my yard as much as their own. Because I didn’t have to feed, water or medicate them, I was happy to enjoy their presence. In time, however, they died. I had no idea they were such prodigious hunters.
In the years since, cute little chipmunks found my yard to be a sanctuary, moved in, and multiplied. Rabbits apparently’ve got nothing on chipmunks. When I step out of my house they scatter like nine-pins (but without as much noise). And the little vermin dig like crazy, easily putting the seven dwarves to shame. On occasion I have stuck the hose down their holes and turned the water on. Nothing.
As my expensive city water pours down the hole, one thought comes to mind; fracking. And I wonder if perhaps Exxon, Shell Oil or British Petroleum has given any thought to chipmunic fracking? Maybe I could trap the little spits and ship them off to North Dakota.
There are so many fracking holes in my yard, I thought about planting a few flags and opening a golf course but that would require water and we know where all that would go.
I went online and googled “eradicate chipmunks,” and it offered all sorts of draconian tips for getting rid of the critters, including Pied Pipering them into a 5 gallon orange Homer bucket with a trail of sunflower seeds and a homemade diving board. That idea apparently is violently unappealing to animal freaks, and frankly makes me a little bit uncomfortable too.
I was particularly intrigued by the idea of spreading coyote urine around my golf course as a means to chase them off. What intrigued me was not whether coyote urine would actually chase away the chipmunks, but whether there are people out there who make their living by training coyotes to pee in a bucket, or following them around and mopping up after them, or maybe who would bring Wiley to my house and let him just pee everywhere. Regardless of the method, I’m about 99.9% sure, and very proud to say, if I go out and buy some coyote urine, it will have “made in the USA” written all over it.
In the meantime, after many years, my next door neighbor moved away, and now I have new neighbors. I think it is time to buy them a cat. And then maybe go early vote.