On The Subject of Airport Security


GEEZ: With the Holiday Travel Season upon us, I think it is only appropriate to focus a moment on the bane (or one of them) of air travel these days.  Specifically, airport security.    To set the tone for this, perhaps we should reflect for a moment upon a portion of  Emma Lazarus’  famous poem, “The New Colossus.”

Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.  Send these, the homeless tempest-tost to me…

This fairly describes the state of air travel in the U.S. today, and can imagine the airlines finishing the sentence in the poem with something like, …..and we will chew you up, lose your baggage and starve you along the way with a great big smile and a bubbye for you when you get off our plane if you are lucky…”

When you go through airport security on a busy travel day, don’t you sometime feel like the “huddled masses?”  And what about all the bad breath and the smelly feet of the teeming masses? I’m getting a gag reflex just writing about it; which brings me to the point of this airport security ramble and that is; Fast Actin Tinactin, Odor Eaters, and Tic Tacs.

You see, for years, I’ve thought they could spruce up and make the user experience at airport security by having the folks at Tinactin, Doctor Scholls and Tic Tac pay some big corporate marketing  bucks to pay to re-design the “user experience” in security, but most importantly, to do some major product sampling.  Their are very few things in life more offensive than having to watch thousands of people take off their smelly shoes and then walk with their sweaty athletic feet through the x-ray machine.  Talk about a biology experiment.  I know the airports are propogating, contaging, coating convering, and thoroughly spreading  the nastiness and plague of athletes foot across America.

And for goodness sake, everyone who goes through security should have the benefit of a Tic Tac.  I had a friend who used to say, “with that breath, you could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.”  And I’m telling you, airplanes are filled with buzzards these days.  Everyone of them should be given a few Tic Tacs on their way through security.

I think this brilliant marketing scheme would go a long way toward happier holidays, healthier citizenry, internationl relations and world peace.

You know, Harry Reed would make a good spokesperson for this campaign and in fact, maybe he could support some legislation to forward this motion.  Or at least implement it at the Capitol.

I wonder how the youth of today view airport security?  ChiQ?

ChiQ: well ive done airport security more than several thousands of times. as Geezer knows, my dear old dad used to work for an airline, which enabled us to fly for free and travel A LOT. i pretty much grew up on an airplane. but the part i always, always dread is the security. mines less about hygiene (although i will talk about that a bit later) and more about the agony of waiting in the long lines, the stress of having to remember so many things, and the terror that the buzzer might go off as you walk through, delaying you even further and possibly making you miss your flight. and dont get me started about the “random safety checks”. is it just me, or does someone in your family CONstantly seem to get picked for those “random checks”. they just lump on the stress levels of getting to the gate and boarding the plane.

now, waiting in line is a big issue for me. im a normally patient person, but thats when i can have something to do, like read a book or listen to my ipod. i could sit there for hours. but u cant do that in a line. theres only enuf time to make u seriously annoyed.

then theres the issue of your belongings. ive gotten so where i plan my outfits for flying strategically so that i dont have to take off belts, jewelery, and wrestle with my shoes. i always feel so awkward once i get my things but having to stand there for what seems to be 10 million years re-dressing myself. and also knowing that every second u spend re-dressing, there is probably someone behind you, tapping their foot with impatience and waiting for you to finish.

lastly, theres the hygiene issue. i mean come on. use some deodorant for crying out loud. or wear less perfume! its common courtesy. or at least wear socks if you have some sort of foot disease. i remember last year going through security with my grandmother (nana). i had on flip flops for optimal ease going through security. yet nana inSISted that i wear socks going through security. which meant that i had to take my flip flops off and put on the socks right before i went through, and remove the socks and put my shoes back on afterwards, all while my family waited with impatience.

in essence, airport security sucks. i hate it. it makes the whole flying experience much less enjoyable, and i agree with Geezer that something needs to be done. who agrees???


2 responses »

  1. ChiQ and Geezer- You’ve got a good gig going here. Writing and sarcastic wit must be in the bloodlines. Keep up the good work. I’ll bet there are other father/daughters who will want to chime in. As for airport security… as long as it provides me with a safe landing I can endure the tacky feet. I wish more people endulged in pedicures, though. And about those security screeners- sometimes I wonder: who is screening them? I have a topic for you: how can you receive random acts of kindness when you are constantly on your cellphone or I-Pod? Rock on.– Caro


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